Newsletter No. 36: MANLY? YES! BUT I LIKE IT TOO "I DIVIDE THEM INTO FOUR CLASSES: THE CLEVER AND INDUSTRIOUS IS SUITED TO HIGH STAFF APPOINTMENTS; USE CAN BE MADE OF THE STUPID AND LAZY; CLEVER AND LAZY IS SUITED FOR THE HIGHEST COMMAND BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO DEAL WITH ALL SITUATIONS; BUT THE STUPID AND INDUSTRIOUS ARE A DANGER AND MUST BE DISMISSED IMMEDIATELY." - COLONEL-GENERAL BARON KURT VON HAMMERSTEIN-EQUORD Fight. World. Jesus. This is it. This is the moment when God notices you and like they say here on earth it's NEVER good when God notices you. But God notices you when only through the commissioning of assholish act upon assholish act you manage to rise to a level of distinction nonpareil. In other words: you were noticed because you were the fuck with the big, rubber foam figure screaming WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!!!!!! And so the big finger of FUCK YOU breeches the heavens and you are smote goddamn it. Oh yeah. Struck low, sweet fucking chariot. Sure, sure. Makes sense. We piss a few people off and we are dismasted. Stalin kills 23 million people and he lives a long and fruitful life. Perfect fucking system. TRANSLATION: EUGENE'S WHINING ABOUT HIS FUCKED LEG AND HIS IMPENDING SURGERY AND TOTALLY CRAVEN FEAR OF DEATH IS STARTING TO WEIGH ON US. HIS PROFILE OF ABSOLUTE COWARDICE IN MATTERS LIKE THIS IS ASTOUNDING. AND HIS CAPACITY TO SUBORN MEDICAL PHYSICIANS WITH COMPLAINTS ABOUT PHANTOM PAINS TO SECURE PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING PHARMACEUTICALS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO HAVE YOUR STUMBLING PERFORMANCE IMPROVED, IS NEAR LEGENDARY. So by the time you read this, he will either be dead. Or alive. And whining. Prayers and cards filled with money are encouraged. What? How'd he HURT his leg? Oh kickboxing with the best kickboxer in the world at 180 pounds, natch. Translation: He got what was coming to him. SEE? WHAT THE HELL CAN YOU DO WITH A GUY LIKE THIS? Perhaps the below-mentioned "African American" resembles a certain Negro you might know. Perhaps. Perhaps. http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/01/19/DDG424BV471.DTL SHOW ME YOURS The OXBOW show schedule is totally contingent on the miracle of the miracle healing cure that EUGENE will be induced to take. So all the following shows are asterisked. Until such time as he makes a massive and manly recovery befitting a steroid gobbler like him. MARCH 17, 2004, SXSW, AUSTIN, TEXAS. We're whining about playing this again but CRAIG STEWART'S commentary that included the totally cock swelling line "It wouldn't be SXSW with OUT Oxbow," may be working it's magic. MARCH 25, KNITTING FACTORY, LOS ANGELES. With PELICAN and some band called GROWING. Man, we'd really like to do this. APRIL, EUROPE. Got fucking cancelled. Yup. That big festival with FANTOMAS, and THE MELVINS, and um, MELT BANANA, and OXBOW? Cancelled. At least that's what they told US. BASIC INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE LEAVING THE COUCH Courtesy of HABIB from www.skullgame.com. Man I need to write an instruction book for bands. Like how to use good equipment to record, without paying for it. I was just thinking of the time I was with my old band and we were recording, I had sub-par equipment to record with so we put together all our credit cards, went into the music store, bought about 7 grand worth of shit without even haggling. Used it, took it back. The best part was the look on the sales man's face when we bought all this shit without even haggling. He thought he was gonna make a killing he had that "you fucking suckers" look on his face. Then 4 days later when we came back with all the shit, and then WE had the "you fucking sucker" look on our faces. It's little things like that which remind me why I even do music. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY YELLING? MORE WORD ON THE LARGE SAC'D AND EIGHTH WONDER OF THE FUCKING MODERN WORLD: OXBOW!!! ON THE OXBOW MOVIE: MUSIC FOR ADULTS On sale at www.theoxbow.com/musicforadults "my name is James and I live in the Uk. I recently purchased the Oxbow dvd - "music for adults" from you. Firstly I'd like to congratulate you on a fantastic peice of art! The film was very well shot and gave a great deal of insight to the band and the rigors of touring. It really encapsulated the raw essence of their music and achievements. It's not an easy path being an uncommercial band/artist playing music that you believe in but shows very little financial reward, and I feel you captured that with the film. I hope the band realise that their influence is immense and their dedication to what they do not in vain. I know adoration is not always as rewarding as a million dollar record deal but, I hope they know they are a massive inspiration! If they don't, please pass on my regards! The last time they played London was at the Camden Underworld and the show was phenomenal. They practically leveled the building with sound! And tell Eugene not to feel guilty about punching that guy in the audience out! He deserved it besides it made for a memorable show!" Oxbow: Available for birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, and beatings. The problem with going out to see bands these days is the looming likelihood that you're going to get ejaculated on by a 200-pound bodybuilder trained in three kinds of martial arts as brutal waves of hellish noise pound you like a fly swatter. Oh wait, that's only a problem when it comes to seeing Oxbow. "But is it really a problem , what with fighting and fucking being kind of cool and all?" one might ask. Well, yes and no. Read more at: http://www.sfweekly.com/issues/2004-01-21/garrett.html/1/index.html FOR YOUR MASTURBATING PLEASURE: PICTURES from the Blackout tent in Bristol: http://www.lensmanship.com/oxbow.html THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS Aquarius Records Review OXBOW / CHRISTIAN ANTHONY (DIRECTOR) "Music For Adults: A Film About A Band Called Oxbow" dvd-r 14.98 You know Oxbow, our favorite cult, avant-garde, psycho-sexual hard rock outfit from right here in San Francisco? Well now thanks to filmmaker Christian Anthony, now you can vicariously join Oxbow for their summer 2002 European tour. Even better than actually being there, you can enjoy their shows and tour hijinx without running any risk of Oxbow singer Eugene getting you in a headlock (and pulling down your pants, as happens to at least one unhappy Scotsman in this film). The live footage captures the Oxbow rock machine in all their twisted, bawling glory, while the 'behind-the-scenes' stuff will show you that they're actually all really nice guys! The sound is fine for the performances, but sometimes you'll have to turn up your tv to make out the interview portions due to unavoidable background noise. It's a DVD-R, homemade production but totally pro in filmic execution. Definitely one for Oxbow fans, to tide you over until they play your town again (unlikely unless you live in SF or in Europe) and 'til their next album comes out (rumored to be a Hydrahead release in 2005). Folks unacquainted with Oxbow might be mystified, but if you've got the right stuff you might just become a fan too. Check it out... THE SCROTUM "Oxbows - Please sign me up to your newsletter thing, as it truly is a ray of sunshine on the increasingly drab interweb. Not only do I find your adventures hilarious and relateable, it also contains walk on parts by people I know. Better than TV. Also, I understand there is a distinct possibility that you will be working with those idiot savants at Hydrahead in the near future. As their UK representative/press guy, I look forward to falling out with you very soon. Yes, I am the new Karl Demata. Thanks again, TONY SYLVESTER" [ Newsletter ]