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  Newsletter No 13: FEAR & TREMBLING & THE SICKNESS UNTO DEATH

"One must either explain life to oneself so that it does not seem to be an evil mockery by some sort of devil, or one must shoot oneself." - Tolstoy

"Kill myself?!?! I'm much too HANDSOME to kill myself! YOU kill YOURself." - Gabriel Ferreira as attributed to Eugene Robinson

Overheard at the GAY, LEATHER BAR where OXBOW recently played.

GAY MAN @ BAR: (as OXBOW appears on stage) "Oh. Okay. Rock and roll. Wonderful."

After 5 minutes and the loss of Eugene's shirt.

GM@B: "Well I've seen just about enough of THIS fucking guy."

Five minutes later after the pants have been lost.

GM@B: "THAT'S it!" He downs his drink and exits the bar in a rage.

Genius!

Hat's off to fucking Larry for being gay AND having the good taste to NOT want to see Eugene's cock.

"I SHOT HIM JUST TO CALM HIM DOWN A LITTLE!"

Oh. Shit. Oh Jesus, shit. I can't breath. It's dark in here. Dark. Fuck...my heart is dying. When do we leave when do we leave when do we leave...everything else is just the horrors.

This is it, baby. This is it. We're in the grips of the bad meemies. You know, the hojo mojies. The screaming sallies. That thing that's like anxiety but completely UNLIKE anxiety because instead of being frozen with doubt and stymied by stasis, you're electrified into dangerous and frantic egomaniacal activity.

Like:

Rushing on the way to "GET THE CASH" you:

a) hit an old man with your car
b) do not slow down after having done so
c) worry about what you're going to eat next

That's what we mean.

That's where we are.



  But let's start at the start, specifically last month where in full-blown mania mode we said the following.

"NEXT MONTH: New OXBOW t-shirts, new OXBOW t-shirts models, new record release date, new drugs, new OXBOW-approved line of porno digital porno movies entitled "Get in the Fucking Van!" Series. New parole officer. Stay tuned."

a) Well we got the new shirts. Unfortunately our friend Olivia (www.oliviaxxx.com) is much too important to take time out of her busy schedule of relaxing, looking beautiful, and hanging out in San Fernando to model said shirts for the OXBOW web site like she said she would so we'll just TELL you what they look like.

Black with the cover art on the cover and the following words on the back: "Branded S: Like S for Suck and S for Sex." They're $16 ppd. Large and x-tra large. BUY ONE!

b) An Evil Heat, OXBOW's newest, can be pre-ordered at Amazon.com. It's being released on March 19th. BUY ONE!

c) We have, as of yet, discovered NO new drugs. But in this plea to the American public, we say very seriously: we're not asking for a hand, we're just asking for a handout!



  So it is with great pleasure that we announce that

THE IMPORTANT PART:

d) Well YES! We've decided that OXBOW has been overly well-represented in the audio side of things and have decided to make an OXBOW movie. 20 minutes of pure viewing pleasure. Sort of like HELP! But without all of the cloying cute Brits.

This will be called

OXBOW presents: THE NARCOTIC STORY

In it's short form it will be a music video. In it's long form, it's a film short. That's the good part (you follow?).

The bad part is: we have no idea what we're doing, which of course, will not stop us from doing it.

We've cast almost all the roles EXCEPT for the Femme Fatale named Hazel. Since I know that like 99.44 percent of the people reading this are men, I'd suggest helping us find some femme fatales, you bastards.

The fact that we previously referenced PORNO should have NO bearing on your role in THE NARCOTIC STORY since the OXBOW porno series is COMPLETELY different and as of yet is a little bit behind on the planning side of things as we can't stop fucking long enough to get any work done.

Yeah, sure.

If we were fucking we wouldn't even be IN OXBOW.

Anyways, for right now THE NARCOTIC STORY is JOB 1!



  AN EVIL HEATED TRIP INTO EURO-MISERY

JOB 2 is the OXBOW tour film, which promises to be THE video that you turn on when you want to fuck a la all of those nature shows that you might turn to when retiring for the evening with someone you have yet to fuck.

We know how it works.

"Hey? You want to come over my house and watch some TV or something?"
"Yeah."
"Cool. There's this show on about ants. It's my favorite."

Translation: someone will soon have a cock in their mouth.

So it goes with the OXBOW tour video: not interesting enough to watch, but too disturbing to turn off.

Christian Anthony, our generation's D.A. Pennebaker will come along with OXBOW to film the following tours and THRILL to Eugene's post-show rush to get the only single room; CHILL to yet another graffiti-scrawled club; SPILL as we choke down euro-swill! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll get drunk and fall down your front stairs.


  OXBOW TOUR DATES

United States:

03/10/02: Mr. T's Bowl, Los Angeles, CA w/400 Blows & TBA
03/11/02: Hollywood Alley, Mesa, AZ w/ Victim's Vamily/Fleshies
03/13/02: Strutter's, San Antonio, TX
03/14/02: Emos, Austin, Texas: Free Afternoon SF Weekly Showcase
03/15/02: Emos, Austin, Texas: South by SouthWest: Skin Graft Records Showcase

Interesting thing about these SXSW shows: The off-hand assumption that bands are cocksuckers who will put up with no amount of substandard bullshit on the outside chance that "people will like" them. True in most cases, sadly enough, but witness the following exchange.

Them: "Hello, I'd like to take a quick minute to introduce myself to you and yourband. My name is Ryan Long and I'm going to be taking care of yournight-of-show needs for your SXSW showcase."

Us: "Well in that case we'll need some red wine. I'd also need for you to have the smartest woman on your stage crew serving as the Oxbow liaison."

Them: "Smart women will be the sole responsibility of said band members. You are rock stars, right? I'm expecting your help there."

Us: "Well if you have any on your staff we'd like to talk to them a lot more than we'd like to talk to, say, YOU. But, we understand if you can't help here. Believe me, we UNDERSTAND."

Them: "Listen. There's a few items of housekeeping that we'll need to get squared away to ensure a smooth show. Please tell me whether you and your group would prefer to be paidin cash the night of the show or whether you would prefer music festival badges.

Us: "Cash."

Them: "Also, let me know if your band would be willing to share equipment with other acts playing on the same evening. This will help everything run more smoothly."

Us: "No."

Them: "Things you need to consider during the day of your performance: Bands must understand that your performance begins EXACTLY on the hour, no exceptions. You will have EXACTLY 40 minutes to wow the crowd and any A&R; reps that have budgeted that time to see you play."

Us:"hahahahahahahahahaha...'wow the crowd and any A&R; reps'?!?! yeah. sure.okay."

Them: "Out of courtesy to the other acts, you must perform within these time constraints. If you are late to start, you will be cutting into your own performance time. If you choose to play beyond 40 minutes, be prepared for the plug to be pulled."

Us: "If the plug is pulled, be prepared to fight."



  "BRATWURST is a very useful word in Germany"

OXBOW EURO-TOUR DATES

TBA: TBA, Berlin, Germany, Surprise Event!
05/04/02: TBA, Stockholm, Sweden
05/05/02: TBA, Malmo, Sweden
05/07/02: TBA, Oslo, Norway
05/08/02: TBA, Bergen, Norway
05/10/02: TBA, Newcastle, Great Britain
05/11/02: TBA, Glasgow, Scotland
05/12/02: TBA, Belfast, Ireland
05/13/02: TBA, Dublin, Ireland
05/14/02: TBA, Leeds, Great Britain
05/15/02: TBA, Manchester, Great Britain
05/16/02: TBA, London, Great Britain
05/17/02: TBA, Brighton, Great Britain
05/18/02: TBA, Brussels/Antwerp, Belgium
05/19/02: TBA, Brussels/Antwerp, Belgium
05/21/02: TBA, Koeln, Germany
05/22/02: TBA, Muenster, Germany
05/23/02: TBA, Hamburg, Germany
05/24/02: TBA, Leipzig, Germany
05/25/02: TBA, Berlin, Germany

TBA means To Be Announced, which is a nice way of saying that OXBOW is fucked.



  ASK DR. OXBOW: ADVICE FOR THE LOVELORN

Real questions from real people, exactly (spelling and all) as they were asked.

Q: do you think Mick Jagger ever felt jealous after hearing "Insane Asylum"?

Q: Do you think Jarboe was little "wet" when she sang on AN EVIL HEAT???

Q: Do you think sun ever gonna rise after March19th?

Q: Good think you aren't gay. Or are you?

A: Rich? Yes. Jealous? No; Next: Yes, if by "wet" you mean "bored"; Yes; And finally not yet (The Great Steve Ballinger Theory of "We're All 3 Bad Relationships Away From Full On Homo Love probably applies here).

And our winner this month.

Q: Hey this is joshua in buffalo - we have exchanged emails on a couple of occasions and this isnt very business like, however, im trying to work out plans for a trip to SF in about 4 weeks - yikes -i wrote up a general dorky description of whats happening and why. but basically its an average freeloader kinda thing, but with a European twist. let me know how your doing and by all means read on.....

LOOKING FOR PLACES TO STAY -
JUST about ANY place will do - and Open to diversity of arrangements -half a day here, one night there - a ride to a show OR to see some REDWOODS....

All HELP is greatly appreciated - we need to save as much money as possible i know how SF can get $$$ everywhere and then your on the street. sorry about giving such short notice will work to return on most favors

General INFO :
What - a trip to SF
Who - one dork and two beautiful Italian women
Why - these ladies are only here until june. they are hoping to see a "real" city and the west coast before returning to Italy - where they volunteer a place to stay if ever you decide to visit Italy (on a even trade basis or something close)
When - 3rd Week in MARCH-Monday March 25th thru Friday March 29th (or thru Sunday March 31st)

A: Oh. Oh. Oh. Hmmm, the two Italian women make it sound like we're straight off to "i was doing my laundry the other night when...."-land. I don't know why you're asking US. Unless you WANT to make low budget fuck films. I mean what I'm saying is: we could imagine healthier places to stay and healthier people to stay with but that's a moot point as Niko from Oxbow will be in Egypt and Eugene from Oxbow will be in Puerto Rico. Dan and Greg from Oxbow will be here but they're even less interested in freeloaders than the rest of us, Italian girls notwithstanding.

Good luck with your search though.

Cheers,
Oxbow

PS...I'd suggest just running up the credit cards and getting a hotel. I mean that's what I'D do. On the outside chance that you might WANT to film a fuck film with

1) one of the Italian girls
2) both of the Italian girls
3) first one and then the other Italian girl

but I understand jamming econo too... you big sissy.



  THE DEVIL WHOSE HAND RESTS ON OUR SHOULDERS

An Evil Heat hits the stands MARCH 19TH, 2002, and despite our obsessive attention to detail we've just been informed that the printer printed on the disk itself the words "An Evil". This of course means that despite the fact that it was on the film they, somehow, dropped off the word HEAT.

Uh hunh.

If your life is generally fucked up beyond all repair we suggest the printing trades as a rocket ride to ease, comfort and trouble free living. Print what you like, print it however you like. Or DON'T. It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. Better than politics or house painting, a career in "professional" printing could be for YOU!



  OUR LABEL LOVES US THOUGH

They Said:
Hey I just wanted to tell you that you guys record is my favorite thing we have put out. It is indescribable, the blood is dripping off of that recording. I feel like I just rediscovered music when I listen to it, like the first time I heard "Damage," or when I was turned on to Sabbath. You guys are going to fuck and destroy on the road and I am honored to have you on our label.�Scott, Neurosis

We Said:
Hey, thank you kindly, man. We're still waaaaayyy to close to this to have a sense of it as a discreet work of art but we like it and it does what we do and so while we know that it works we never know if we've succeeded in communicating that until we get letters like yours (and we get very, very, very few in total). So I'll say it again, thanks a load.

ps... and I speak for us all, to a man, that we're fucking proud to be ON your label, as well.

They Said:
Here is what I've got going for An Evil Heat (AEH) in terms of print and online advertising and retail marketing. I think there are some decent retail programs (see esp. Newbury Comics!), and we've got good coverage on ads, even a cool VVoice spot for SXSW. We don't do a lot of ads in Europe, although Italy is running AEH in their multicut ads (no cost to us), and Cargo Germany usually offers us some similar consideration on key releases. VICE still has decent distro in Canada, and I just booked an ad in Exclaim!

We Said:
Well considering that SST ran ZERO ads for the record. Considering that Pathological ran ZERO ads for their Oxbow record. Considering that Brinkmann ran ZERO ads for Let Me Be a Woman. I'd say we're doing pretty good.

While it should be noted that Crippled DID advertise plenty, they also cut up the film for our CD booklet and reordered the fucking pages.

Hahahahaha...so you guys are kicking ass! Thanks. Really.

Two Newsletters, Two Quotes From Hitler!!! Why?!?!?

"I'm not here to make men better. I'm here to prey on their weaknesses..." - Hitler

And The Mad Pole Continues His Countdown

a) 32 DAYS TO AN EVIL HEAT TO BE RELEASED!!! 5 INCHES OF SNOW FEEL DOWNWITHIN LAST 24 HOURS IN CHICAGO AND IT'S STILL RED AND TASTES LIKE BLOOD???

c) 29 DAYS TO AN EVIL HEAT CAPTURE THE WORLD!!!! OUR FAST CONTINUES AND I STARTED SEEING BLACK DOTS THIS MORNING??? I GUESS IT'S A GOOD SIGN??? COME TO ME EVIL, FILL MY BODY AND SOUL!!!!!

d) 19 DAYS TO AN EVIL HEAT!!! I FOUND A RIFFLE-SHAPED BOTTLE OF VODKA IN A POLISH LIQUOR STORE?!?!?!?

If the record is delayed even once more I believe The Mad Pole will start killing. Again.



  If You Get Sodomized at a Show: It's Not OUR Fault!!!

"The club is solely responsible for the safety and security of club employees, patrons, and performers. The club will maintain a safe environment for employees, performers, and patrons. The club will provide a secure environment on stage and in all provided areas such as back stage rooms and provided sleeping areas. The band accepts no responsibility (financial or otherwise) for the well-being of patrons or club employees who are injured, maimed or killed while performing their proscribed jobs, or while dancing, thrashing, stage-diving, moshing, slamming, climbing, swinging, crushing, drinking, performing sexual acts, ingesting mind or body altering chemicals, fighting, or who enter the stage area during theperformance of the band."

"During the band performance, no member of the club staff, the audience, the press, or any other persons excepting the band and the band support crew shall enter the stage area without approval from a member of the band immediately prior to entering. During the performance, the band can take no responsibility for any actions that occur involving persons who enter the stage area without immediate authorization from the band. Any persons entering the stage during the band's performance can be perceived as threatening to the band and band's crew and the band can take no responsibility for self-defensive actions against any unauthorized persons on the stage during the band's performance."

NEXT MONTH: US Tour Diaries complete with the outcome of the Duane Dennison versus Eugene Robinson Fistfight!


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