I haven't been watching the news the past couple of days but I've been thinking about converting to Islam. What do you think?

Hmmm...

Good health plan. Uh hunh, uh hunh. Vacation time. Flight training school and what's this in the small print?
Hmmm... fiery death, streets running with blood, death to the infidels?

Um, listen, I just wanted to sign on for the foosball tables and those nifty prayer mats. Oh, and to maybe get to hang with Cat Stevens.

Jay-zus. You guys are STRICT.

Okay. We've had our little fun.

For any sort of real perspective you'll probably have to tune in to "The bullhorn that never stops" named Biafra to hear the best wonderfully droll and sardonic take on the American body politic that's ever forced its way up from amongst the ranks of people who last read a book when they were in high school.

For the rest of us a handy dandy primer on what the fuck just happened:

1) Sand Negroes with a lot more wherewithal than our homegrown variety of Negroes got fed up and blew shit up
2) Several thousands Americans and several handfuls of unmarried bearded men of Arab extraction between the ages of 20 and 40 died.

Hope that helps. (Note: Beating up cab drivers, grocery store clerks, and guys with turbans, does not.)

Footnote: You ever notice how in times of extreme stress all you want to do is fuck? Everyone? Over? (See Newsletter No 7 to see how much mileage we're getting out of just a little bit - a very little bit - of comedy) Well we have.

Unmarried bearded men of Arab extraction between the ages of 20 and 40 who promise NOT to blow us up get in for free.

OXBOW is also seriously threatening to play shows in the Midwest and the East this November. Tone Deaf Booking is doing the booking. Call them and inquire as to our whereabouts if you're really really bored. Or interested.

We resisted but the following legal scenario convinced at least some of us that the record label was right when they notified us that the new Oxbow record would need to sport a parental advisory sticker.

Plaintiff: Well the lyric plainly says here "balls like crab apples." Well what do young boys DO with crab apples? Yes, that's right. They THROW them. So when my son threw his testicles (with his body attached I should note) at a local tough apparently only known in the lyric as the mexican fella named "Jesus"...well there was a, um, TRAUMA that will only be healed by giving me all of their cash, which according to this affidavit...amounts to� about $7.63?

Defendant: It's Eugene's fault.

Judge: We rule for the Plaintiff and sentence this Eugene man to 6 years of sodomy.

Bailiff: He might actually enjoy that, sir.

Judge: Okay. Six years as the passive party in successive acts of sodomy. Courts adjourned!

NICK from SICBAY: Eugene, I just did a Google.com Sicbay search and noticed this Oxbow newsletter announcing a Sicbay contribution to some "20 Second song" comp.? This is the first I've heard of this. Who's doing this?

Not Nick: Some fella from Toyo Records who failed miserably in his appointed mission to make my time dealing with Toyo more pleasant by at least having the women who work there call me.

NICK: Yeah, I know Jakob. Weird. We contributed a song for one of his 4 band comp things, but I haven't heard from him in over a year. Last I heard the label's future was looking grim.

NN: How could it be looking anything but? Indie music is the music of felony and if you don't steal you will not get paid and it's hard to steal when there's nothing TO steal....

NICK: Oh well. He knows where I am if he wants to find me. Hope your big Beyond The Pale show went well last month.

NN: Phenomenally so...but like our tour manager Manuel the Swiss once said in response to a bit of good non-music-related luck that found me staying in some of the best hotels in Germany for about month: "don't get used to this." It was a good show, 800 people in the house but Oxbow will be back playing to crazy crowds of 10 to 12 people in NO time at all,


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